When I first came to Guardian Island, I didn't know what a Blog was and I had never even considered posting my intimate thoughts and ideas to an anonymous public. But once I did so, it became addictive. I wrote incessently. I wrote things that thrilled me and scared me (was I really feeling this stuff and why on earth was I telling it to the world)?
I was screwed up in those days. A recent divorce had dredged up all of my feelings of abandonment from childhood. I felt like an utter failure at love and relationships. And so I retreated to the most vulnerable form I could imagine -- a sniveling little girl.
But as I explored that space in my postings and writings here, I discovered something that surprised me. Laura (my allegedly weak little girl) was far more kick-ass than I was. She had spunk and curiosity and bravery. She loved everyone around her and she was not afraid to put her heart out there. And, as she did so, she found that others would love her back. The creation I thought would epitomize everything weak and unlovable about me turned out to be a source of strength. She led me out of the dark place I had put us in.
Laura is hardly a warrior princess or some sort of riot grrl. She's not tough or hard, but rather finds her strength in honest expression and (yes!) even in tears.
While I was exploring BDSM scenes and trying to prove how much pain I could take, she was teaching me to cry my eyes out before the first blow. She was teaching me that the power of a spanking scene is not the pain, but the sense that someone cares enough about you to take the time to discipline you. That as soon as they have made that commitment, that you would know love. And so you start crying...from relief.
And so many other lessons! So many other things to say. But for tonight, it's a start and a new beginning.